N.B.This self-evaluation form has been compiled - using sound psychological principles - by Dr Melfi from The Sopranos and that bloke off In Treatment. Use a pencil and paper to keep score, unless these things don’t exist in your world – in which case you can probably stop now.
Section 1 - General Questions
- Score 2 points if you have a mysterious voice in your head, narrating everything you do.
- Score 1 point if you live in Essex/Chelsea and talk in a slightly forced way as though you’re acting in a preschool nativity play.
- Score 2 points if you have always lived your life in a particular, dependable pattern, except just once when you acted completely out of character.
- Open your kitchen cupboard. Score 1 point for every tin, jar and bottle that is turned around, so the brand labels face the front.
- Score 2 points if you have ever met Kurt Vonnegut. Score an extra 3 points if your name is Kilgore Trout.
- Score 1 point if your internal monologue is filled with insights of startling beauty.
- Score 2 points if your life fades to black after every significant conversation. Score 5 points if this is accompanied by jazzy incidental music.
- Score 2 points if you are followed everywhere by a film crew making a documentary about "your life."
- Do you experience unresolved sexual tension with someone you work alongside? Score 1 point for every year/series this has been going on.
- Score 10 points if you have ever saved the life of the President of the United States. Score 5 points for any other world leader.
Section 2 - Focus on Friends
Looking at your friends can be a good way to determine whether your life is an elaborate fiction. Score 5 points for each of the following statements that are true:
- All of your friends are white and middle class, except one who is stereotypically ethnic.
- Your best friend is a talking animal.
- Your friends are involved in a mysterious conspiracy that they have somehow neglected to tell you about.
- When surprising events occur, you have a friend whose sole purpose is to explain what’s happening.
- Your friends are called Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel and/or Joey.
Section 3 - Multiple Choice
Pick one option for each of the following.
- Is it always raining outside?
- No. I live in California. (1 point)
- Yes. I live in a stylish but depressing urban futureworld. (5 points)
- Yes. I live in Manchester. (0 points)
- Are you:
- A vampire? (10 points)
- A werewolf? (20 points)
- An impossibly hunky vampire/werewolf with "liquid topaz eyes" or "rock-hard abs"? (100 points)
- Is there a secret portal that allows other people to climb inside your head for a limited period?
- No. Please read my blog instead. (0 points)
- Yes - I am John Malkovich. Please send the Academy Award to my usual address. (5 points)
- Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. (100,000 points)
Completing The Evaluation
Total up your score.
Congratulations, you are not a fictional character! No-one who was actually in a story would have been able to work their way through that entire list without a lion bursting out of a cupboard or someone getting shot – it would just be too boring for the audience. So rejoice in the fact that your life is dull, lacking in a clear narrative arc and almost certainly won’t have a happy ending.
Wait a second...