Friday, 9 March 2012

The Last Minute Blog Post Cookbook

My mind hasn't exactly been zinging with blog ideas this week. Although my manuscript was ready at the weekend, writing a synopsis and submissions emails took me well into Wednesday this week. At that point, I wondered:

A) If it had really been the best idea to submit a book in the week before the Bologna Book Fair.

B) If I should have avoided mentioning this blog in those emails, since now I felt under pressure to write something today, rather than just take the week off.

So it was while I was scrabbling for ideas yesterday that I remembered those cookbooks for last minute entertaining, dealing with the Mad Men-esque scenario of the boss suddenly coming round for dinner when all you have in the cupboard is a bag of out-of-date macadamia nuts. Why wasn't there such a thing for bloggers? And what would be in it?


The My Literary Life Post

Ingredients:
  • One Fabulously Busy Writer

  • Many Fabulous Writer Friends

  • Many Photographs of Many Fabulous Writer Friends
Directions:
Half-bake a "What I Did on My Holidays" style blog post, describing all of the literary events you have been to in the last week and who you met at each. Drop names liberally and concentrate on the people who are well-known, rather than the ones you actually like.

Emphasise how lucky you are and what a dream it is and how you're not worthy etc. Be sure to layer this part on really thickly, so it doesn't look like you're a self-aggrandising snob.

Stir in photographs, but only if they show your good side and definitely not that wobbly bit below your chin.

Garnish with air kisses and allow reader to steam.


The Writer's Journey

Serves: Around 20 blog posts

Ingredients:
  • One Unpublished Writer

  • One First Novel

  • Many Agents

  • Zero Book Deals
Directions:
Finish your first novel (N.B. Do not revise it – this risks adding quality to your mixture and may cause unexpected success). Submit your novel to as many agents as possible, preferably with a very generic query letter.

While you wait, start a blog. Post enthusiastically and often about how the blog will chart your journey from unpublished nobody to bestselling writer. Think big – your blog could comprise your literary archive and one day be stored in the British Library! Oh, and don't forget to talk about your cats – everyone likes cats.

Get rejected.

Blog about rejection and how you are carrying on regardless because the writer's journey is a hard one and you are brave.

Get rejected by everyone.

Put the manuscript in a drawer, take up needlecraft and never blog again.


The Political Post

Ingredients:
  • One Hot Political Topic

  • Some Politicians That Annoy You (Michael Gove is always a good filler in this meal)

  • One or More Newspapers That Reinforce Your Opinions

  • A Ladleful of Steaming Political Invective
Directions:
Read chosen newspaper(s). Get angry.

Spend time discussing issue on Facebook/Twitter. Allow anger to brew, stabbing keyboard with barely controlled fury.

Become momentarily distracted by picture of cute squirrel. Rekindle anger by reading new Facebook privacy policy.

Pour out barely coherent but INCENDIARY thoughts straight into blog.

Season with righteous indignation and brace yourself for a storm of comments.


The Meta Blog Post

Ingredients:
  • One Blogger

  • One Deadline

  • Zero Ideas
Directions:
Open MS Word. Begin blog post by apologising for not having had a good idea for a blog post.

Add a pinch of reader sympathy by going on about how busy you are and how you really need a rest and blah blah blah.

Stir in cheap conceptual idea and allow plot to thicken.

Write entire blog post about writing a blog post. It's postmodern, innit.

Sit back and enjoy the fact you've got away with it for another week.

Nick.

9 comments:

  1. Hilarious! I am printing off and starting my own recipe book.

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  2. Brilliant! Especially love the political post, and the squirrel distraction. Very funny.

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  3. LOL! Thanks for making me smile.

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  4. Absolutely wonderful! Made me laugh out loud. Thanks Nick

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  5. There's something about this blog post that's too true for comfort! But it still made me laugh.

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  6. Just closing my Blogger account...!

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  7. Seriously though if you (as in generic you) are driven to blog to meet a deadline it's probably not working for you.

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  8. Candy, I don't know about generic you, but generic me would never write anything without a deadline! Necessity is very much the mother of invention around these parts...

    Nick.

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  9. Hee hee hee - I'm buying the recipe book!

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