Friday, 5 July 2013

You Know You've Gone Too Far When...

This blog is all Sara Grant's fault! I made an offhand comment about stalking an agent and she contributed the first item on this list. After that, well, it was just too good an idea to waste. As ever, any resemblance to writers alive or dead is (mostly) coincidental.

You know you've gone too far when...
  • You name your firstborn child after an agent you're hoping to impress
  • You rearrange commas in your dreams
  • You're practicing your author signature before you've even finished the first chapter
  • You not only retweet praise, but also criticism, spam and your gas bill
  • You've spent a fortune trying to get various publishing people drunk enough to read your book
  • Your Twitter profile includes the words "brilliant", "visionary" or "genius"
  • You hate email submissions because you can't enclose a gift
  • You decide to enclose a gift anyway, and bulk buy e-vouchers from CrazyBoutHamsters.com, redeemable against over 20,000 items of hilarious hamster-themed merchandise
  • You start worrying about your "legacy"
  • You finish a novel and discover that not only is the house empty, but also that your family left three weeks ago without a forwarding address
  • Whenever you spot someone who's in publishing, you run towards them with open arms, screaming at the top of your voice
  • You check your author rank so often that the entire Amazon site crashes
  • You find yourself pitching in a revolving door
  • You have a Google Alert set up with your name and the word "Carnegie"
  • Your first drafts are longer than the bible
  • You think that earning more money than J.K. Rowling is a realistic life goal
  • You find yourself pitching through a toilet door
  • You turn up to award ceremonies, even when you haven't been nominated
  • Your query letters include begging, bribery, threats or offers of sexual favours
  • You start talking about "reinventing the novel"
  • You find yourself pitching through a prison door
  • You email your unpublished manuscript to actors who you'd like to cast in the movie adaptation
  • You refer to your characters as though they were real people
  • You refer to yourself in the third person, as though you were a fictional character
  • You write a blog with a list in it that goes on forever
Nick.

9 comments:

  1. What's wrong with hamster, eh?

    '...threats or offers of sexual favours' had me laughing a lot.

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  2. Lorraine has no idea what you're talking about. She wonders what's wrong with all of the above as she shoves her m.s under the toilet door at the agent hiding within...

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  3. Little Random Penguin LOVES her name!

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  4. Love it! I haven't actually emailed my unpublished manuscript to actors I'd like to cast in the movie adaptation but I have fantasized about this. Johnny Depp often comes to mind.

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    1. Yes me too - it's one of my favourite daydreams! In fact fantasized conversations with actors about their part often help me past a bit of writer's block... Erm too much information..?

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    2. It entirely depends on what you're talking to them about, Yona...

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    3. Character motivation of course - what else?

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  5. What's wrong with daring to dream?

    These would make great sketches especially pitching in a revolving door - one of those that's big and see through and if you touch it it stops - how to trap an agent.

    Very funny and brilliant Nick:)

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    Replies
    1. I'm just trying to draw the line between dreams and delusion!

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